#because ive been convincing myself no one likes me and everyone in my life would be better off without me😝��

[strangerhands]

mmmmm heyyy👁️. ive basically been gone from tumblr for over two days because ive been feeling like a shitty piece of shit. BUT. i finally saw dune part 2 and ohmygoddddd it was so so good. but yes. i was missing leto so bad the entire time. Father come back pls. i need you.

[zodiyack]

Better For Me

Pairings: Tommy Shelby x Fem!Reader

Warnings: Angst, swearing, smoking, plotting

Words: 684

Request: Can you please do one for Tommy Shelby, where the reader is someone that he’s been pining over for as long as he can remember, but she’s never returned his feelings, she wants better for herself and desperately wants to escape Birmingham to have one, once he finds her plan he comes up with a scheme so that she will have no choice but to stay there with him (you can decide what that trap is)

Author’s Note: So I don’t exactly like the thought of her being 100% forced against her will, so I changed it a little bit to where she does indeed have feelings for him but never once said anything because she knew once she got involved with a gangster, her life would never be the same, and she wants better for herself. Hes also a little ooc.

YALL IVE EDITED THIS TWICE BECAUSE FUCKING MOBILE TUMBLR- DECIDED TO PUT MY ENDING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BEGINNING.

Masterlist | Peaky Blinders Masterlist | Cillian Murphy Masterlist

Taglist: @simonsbluee, @stuckysslag, @psychkunox, @marquelapage, @i-love-superhero @captivatedbycillianmurphy, @stydia-4-ever, @jenepleurepasbaby, @peakyxtommy, @babylooneytoonz, @matth1w​, @redspaceace-writes​, @darling-i-read-it​, @sebastianstanslefteyebrow​, @fandom-puff​

Her bags were stuffed to bursting with her belongings. She frantically packed the last of it in a barely spacious case. A knock at her front door scared her as it broke her from her hurry. She wasn't surprised when she saw the Blinder on her doorstep, only nervous.

"You're packing?" His cold voice inquired.

"Yes." She responded simply. Y/N avoided giving him too much detail. After all, he was who she was running from.

"Why can't you stay?"

She sighed heavily. "We've been over this Thomas. I need something else. I want a better life. I don't want to be in Birmingham forever." It was part of the truth. Really, she couldn't be around the violence, the theft, the gambling, the Peaky Blinders. Tommy.

She winced slightly. "No, I need to do this myself."

"I'll take you places. We can explore the world together, love." He chuckled lightly. "I promise."

Her words seemed to set him off. "Why? Can't I do anything to convince you to stay?"

"No!" She couldn't stop herself before she shrieked out the word. Covering her mouth in shock, she collected herself before speaking again. "I'm leaving, Thomas, and that's that."

"At least tell me why, love." He persisted. His hand reached for Y/N's. He definitely noticed something was wrong when she swiped her hand away. "Is it because of me?"

Yes.

"No, it's not because Of anyone! I just can't be here anymore. Tommy, I want to experience more than this place. I want a better life. We've been over this before, a thousand times." She huffed as she stuffed the rest of the items into her bag. “Please, just leave me to finish this up. I’ll stop by before I leave.” She turned away and waited for him to leave, the door clicking shut behind him.

When Tommy went outside, he spotted a copper doing his usual patrol. He nodded at him, gaining his attention. “I need your assistance.”

“What is it Mr. Shelby?”

He lit a cigarette, looking off into the distance. "Y/N L/N. If she tries to leave, prevent her in whatever way possible. Keep her alive, and inside of Birmingham." Tommy ordered, "by order of the Peaky Blinders. Alright?"

The copper nodded, "Yes Mr. Shelby. I'll make sure to it that everyone knows."

The door of the betting shop slammed shut after being aggressively swung open. Heels clicked angrily against the floor. Tommy didn't even have to lift his head to know who it was.

"You fucking bastard. You told them to keep me here?!" She shouted. Her brows were furrowed and her expression looked full of rage. "You fucking asshole!"

"You wouldn't listen to me." He kept his composure.

"I was leaving because of you!"

The truth shocked him, but he didn't let it show. Instead, Tommy stared at her with a stone facade. "I love you."

She shook her head in disbelief. "I know, Thomas. You've made it clear. You've made it clear for the past five years of our life. But I don't want that. Not for me, I need better."

"Better?" He tsked. "I could give you everything."

"That's the thing, Tommy! You're involved in so much, even being friends with you and your family, I worry for my life. Your morals, they make me wish I didn't feel this way about you. My morals, are what are telling me I can better my life. They are telling me to leave rather than get involved in this kind of life."

"Well, now you can discard those morals. Stay with me. Besides, it's not as though you have much choice." He quirked a brow, referencing the whole reason she was there in the first place.

Y/N rolled her eyes and turned around, clicking back to the door. She stopped in front of it with a pause. "I may love you, Tommy. But even if you make me stay, I will never get involved with you."

"Even if you make me stay..." She turned her head to him. "Not now," she faced the door again, holding onto the handle with a tight grip, "not ever."

[jealousmartini]

"Haven't you ever seen skin like mine?" A vault

Skin clarity + glow | Skin tone | skin clarity

∘₊ ✧───────────────────✧₊∘

⋆.˚ Skin clarity .𖥔˚

My skin is just so clear and beautiful, I can't help staring and feeling it. I am just in awe at how wonderfully blessed I am to be born with such perfect ideal skin. It is so gorgeously smooth, and while its firmness keeps me looking young and perfect, it is still supple and has a slight bounce to the touch.

I mean my skin is so perfect some friends ask me what brand of skin care I use to get my skin so even and glowing like it does, but truth be told.. genetics and positive assumptions about myself I guess😭?? I've never had any reason to use skin products because my skin has always been naturally flawless, and ive never had any reason to doubt myself because literally look at me- i am the proof. That's just my nature. But every now and then, I'll get gifted high-quality skin korean care sets and expensive most wanted skin moisturisers with the most delicious and entising scents by my mum "just in case" but also because the process is fun😋

It's also so fun being able to eat whatever I want without ever having to worry about my skin because nothing could ever affect its perfectness. I just eat what I want, and the after-effects are like a couple of crumbs on my lips and still looking pretty😭

But some people do be jealous tho🙄. "There is no way she can eat what she likes and still look that good" one says and "what about the acne? Has she even gotten a spot once?" another says. And it's even better when I post pictures or videos cus haters really be out here doing there best to convince themselves and everyone around them (like the clowns they are) that skin is impossible to look that perfect and it HAS to be makeup or it HAS to be a filter or she MUST have gotten some surgery of a kind and they all couldn't be more wrong lmao. I just be existing and nothing else and i am just that naturally radiant😂

∘₊ ✧───────────────────✧₊∘

⋆.˚ Skin colour.𖥔˚

I've had people pointing out how dewy and golden like my skin is like all my life and I never even thought about it until now. Well, I kind of always knew that I have the most gorgeous, jaw dropping skin colour that ranged between a deep caramel tan in the light and like a golden brown in the dark; I've even been accused of bleaching my skin to get a lighter tone once but how would that even make any sense when my tone changes slightly due to lighting?😭😭 But anyway other than that one person I've been getting remarkable amounts of compliments both in person and on social media about how glorious my skin colour looks. It's kind of overwhelming but ive been fighting though it.

skin colour in the dark | skin colour in bright lightings

∘₊ ✧───────────────────✧₊∘

1 dimple is ♡shaped | I sweat= I shimmer | cutest mole marks

⋆.˚ Unique features.𖥔˚

— Glittery skin when I sweat

I have a rare phenomenon that only 0.0001 in the entire human population have, with my skin where if I am to sweat, my skin will have a light glittery coat. Scientists have recently come to find out that the glittery coat left behind by the sweat is a natural skin protecting barrier. This is incredibly useful for preventing skin problems like rashes, strawberry skin, and uneven skin texture. Scientists have not found a name for this yet (im scientists and don't know what to call it)

— ♡Shaped Dimple

Another rare phenomenon for people to get is dimples. Only 0.01 of the entire human population have dimples, and an even smaller number of people (me) have a heart-shaped dimple. There is nothing scientific about this tho, it's just fun to look at

— Beauty marks / moles

I have a couple of cute beauty marks on my body and face. Also somewhat rare, somewhat not lol. Nothing more to add😊

@theshifterbear @livingmydreamlife5555 @4ellieluv

This was lowkey entertaining to script especially the unique features one too. ONTO THE NEXT!

[babyspacekwid]

Astrology Observations and Advice ✨ (TW talks of ED)

From a non professional astrologer who has no idea wtf she’s posting half the time 💕

Chiron 4th house in Capricorn, Your dad may be very hard on you, like a perfectionist dad. Could have also been abusive. Could be the type to comment on your shortcomings. Remember that you are enough as it is, don’t be so hard on yourself, treat yourself as you would a friend. With compassion and kindness. Its okay to make mistakes in life. It’s common to have daddy issues with this placement, so try not to let that affect your love life, this is a personal placement of mine😜 rlly into toxic men, but they ain’t good for me, so let us be aware of that. Don’t take life too seriously, do the serious shit without being too serious about it. Idk if that makes sense but for example, let’s say u got a math test, do the math test seriously, like study and shit but don’t let the stress of it consume you because it rlly ain’t that serious.

Aries moon, especially men y’all’s temper is unregulated af. Ive seen y’all snap at stuff that energy shouldn’t be wasted on, y’all are one of the most emotionally reactive signs I have ever met. Like a ticking time bomb. This moon sign might have experienced a mother figure that was harsh and emotionally neglectful. Very hard on you, wasn’t that nurturing when raising you. The type of mom to tell you to get up and wipe the dust off when you fall and scrape your knee as a kid. y’all gotta delve into those emotions in a healthier manner. Therapy and journaling could be very beneficial. Go to one of those rage rooms where ppl break shit, I feel like y’all would go all out. There’s definitely some pent up anger. This goes for Scorpio moons too, y’all is more internal though, got some deep dark thoughts and intense internal feelings that could easily overwhelm which is why downtime is needed.

Speaking of some Scorpio moons I have met, don’t let your trust issues fuck things up. This a hard placement, y’all feel things so deeply, but just cause one person backstabbed you don’t mean everyone will. Open up to people, trial and error and you’ll find that person. Obviously set boundaries and don’t just trauma dump on everyone you meet, but don’t build an invisible wall as soon as you meet someone. Not everyone is out to get you.

(TW) Taurus risings I’ve met have dealt with some type of eating disorder. Could have had family members or people comment on their weight as a child or just got rlly influenced by the negative parts of social media. Every taurus rising I’ve met has dealt with body issues, y’all are actually so beautiful though, and I’m sorry you don’t hear it often,no matter the size. You guys are also so photogenic, like maybe I’m just the type of person that sees human beings as cute in general but istg y’all could be making the ugliest of faces and I’d still think it’s charming 😭 my best advice would be to stop comparing yourselves, and to learn unconditional love towards your body at every stage it’s at. We’re gonna be 60 and wrinkly anyways, might as well enjoy what it can do for you now!

I have this friend who’s a Capricorn sun and moon, and as a Gemini sun and moon myself I feel so similar to her in like every aspect. Idk if it’s because we’re both born on a new moon, but anyways, this girl needs to learn to open up😭 like hun I wanna be your shoulder to cry on, don’t get me wrong she will vent, and spill the tea, but when the waterworks come out she’d rather isolate. I’m just like naurrrrrr, come back. I might not be comfortable with tears and shit but il awkwardly pat your back and listen to you. Either way y’all don’t be afraid to be vulnerable, you aren’t a burden and you can’t deal with it yourself. Stop trynna convince yourself that you can. Humans are social creatures and our primal instinct is to receive and give love. M

ANYWHOOOO y’all I rlly ain’t that knowledgeable about this shit, I’m rlly going off my friend’s placements (and mine). I am studying astrology tho so maybe one day 🤠 but I got the memory of a goldfish so it might take a while, I appreciate everyone who’s been liking my posts though THANK YOU💕💕💕💕

[tears-grow-gardens]

TW- ed rant

This is my first ever tumblr post. Normally I'm just a wall flower, sitting quietly in the tumblr corner reading other peoples posts and thoughts hoping to feel less alone in my own mind. I'm not even sure what I want to say but for the past 4 years I have struggled with my eating, some days are really bad and other days it's just like an itch, like I know all the rules, fear and guilt that has stained me but I feel stronger not to let it win. 2-3 years ago I was at my worst, I was in my 3rd year of University, I had lost all hope and drive in my life and I let everything crumble through my fingers, I was failing classes, isolating from everyone, loosing sight of my dreams and what mattered to me. I don't know who was holding the wheel to my life but I felt I had lost control with all of it. I didn't know how to change or help myself, I was so tired of always feeling like a failure to myself and everyone around me. I had been dealing with depression and anxiety for so long and serious case of undiagnosed ADHD and all these feeling felt so permanent, like they would never go away, so I turned to something I felt I could control, which was food. There was nothing I hated more in the world than myself, my body, my face, the way that I believed people saw me. I hated every inch of who I was. I thought that if i could control what went in i would get the results I've always wanted and maybe even get to like the way I look. And the results came, it felt so good to be able to get something right, like for the first time in my life I didn't feel like a complete failure. The feeling of hunger gave me power, how I didn't have to say words to people that I was hurting inside because they could see it from the outside. Wake up, look in the mirror, walk, workout, coffee, walk, coffee, porridge, starve, walk, mirror, bed. This was my life but fortunately or unfortunately I was sniffed out like a rat from one of my house mates who confronted me, it felt like I was standing there naked and exposed with all my secrets written on my skin. After that I felt I had to change, I felt watched and analysed with every move I made. My weight goals put into a box, I tried to make amends with my body and mind but from the years to follow the voices never left my head. Sometimes the voices are merely a whisper and other days the voices are so loud it feels like everyone else can hear them too. Now here I am on tumblr 4 years later writing to say I have relapsed, not that I think I ever recovered but more I was idle with temptation to destroy myself and now I'm back, born again to hack my body to pieces. Ive found myself almost everyday purging in the bathroom, even if its been a normal, healthy meal. I just want to crawl out of my skin and shrink into nothing. I don't want to die and I don't want to live like this but i feel years of rage within me of unnoticed pain that I want to scream to the world and let them know. I have dreams and I want them to exist one day as true but I don't know how I'll ever rid myself of these dark paralysing thoughts. I'm so tired of feeling unloved and lonely, in my 22 years of life I have never known what it is or what it feels like when someone choses to love you. Im so convinced by my own hatred for myself that I believe everyone else sees me the way I do. The toxic thing is, is that I want this for myself, I want the hunger in sanctuary of starving, I want to feel small and fragile and i want people to worry, i want them to say "she's lost weight", while they ponder on how hurt I must be to have lost myself this far.

Anyway enough for one day. idk if anyone reads these long word vomit tumblr posts but thank you if you've read this far and welcome to my fkd up mind.

[laithraihan]

Would you be comfortable sharing any personal info (age, profession, relationship status, etc...)? Completely understand if you're not but it's always really interesting learning about the lives of ppl I admire. Again, if that's not something you wanna do it's totally understandable! I love your art!!

Ah thank you so much 🫶 and sure I dont mind sharing some stuff but to be very honest Im not an interesting person, so I'm sorry in advance for disappointing you.

So I'm a woman (or something like that) even though I use a male pen name for art, Im 22 years old, 151cm (4'11"), the eldest daughter who has two teenage siblings who are both taller than me and make fun of me for being short. I do not have a profession and I do not go to school due to a disability I will not disclose. Im a lesbian engaged to a butch, we've been together for almost 4 years (our anniversary is in August)

My favorite season is winter because all the bugs are dead and I despise summer because the bugs are alive. Im also really scared of butterflies for some reason. Im scared of winged bugs in general. Ive never seen a cockroach in my life but I'd probably kill myself if I saw one. I really hate bugs. The winters are harsh here but I like walking outside when theres light snow falling at night. Im also a bit obsessed with Christmas lights but I dont celebrate Christmas, I dont follow any religion in general but my family is Muslim so Ive been raised with that. If I could just put Christmas lights in my room all year then I would do that. They look really pretty.

About my ethnicity I think everyone knows Im Algerian already, well Ive only been to Algeria once when I was like 8 years old so I dont really remember anything. All I know is that my uncle would keep telling my dad that I convinced him to stop smoking and that he's eternally grateful for that but I literally cannot remember what I did or said back then so I just pretended I knew what he was talking about. Anyway. Id like to go there again one day. I most likely will go soon in the future so it makes me happy to think about it.

My first language is French and Im somewhat fluent in English but it needs more work. Whenever I speak English I have to think harder about the words that come out of my mouth and I start saying things that dont make sense. But my pronunciation is good so other people just assume Im fluent. Also I understand Derja (Algerian Arabic) when people talk to me out loud but I cant form sentences and respond back so I just answer people in French. I know how to read Arabic script and I understand basic words but again I cant form sentences. As for Japanese I can only read Hiragana and Katakana and a bit of Kanji, and my understanding of the language is worse than Arabic, so I practice by translating Japanese song lyrics, reading news articles and talking with Japanese users online

Honestly I dunno what else to say, I dont really have any special skills or anything like that. Unless you count memorizing all the metro stations in Montreal but thats only because I had to use public transport all the time when I was a kid because my parents never felt like driving me to my appointments. At that point I probably visited every single station because I had to go to many random places. I dont have a drivers license but I prefer walking to places in general even though there are no stores near my neighborhood, but I think it's better for me because I get to walk more. I think I really like the idea of travelling in general but I dont have friends for that, my parents also wouldnt allow me to hang out with friends so it's a bit unfortunate

Oh and lately Ive been enjoying making eggs for some reason, I think Im good at doing that. But I only cook whenever Im hungry and I rarely feel hungry so I dont cook many eggs. I also dont like cleaning dishes so I avoid making huge meals in general. I dont really eat much in the first place but I still like food. I really like going to restaurants too. I just like going outside in general. I like listening to music and talking with people, normal stuff like that. Im running out of things to say so I'll probably just stop there.

[olderthannetfic]

Same anon as this ask (the "no love for doms" one) https://www.tumblr.com/olderthannetfic/743800835187818496/something-ive-noticed-is-that-even-in

It also intersects with gender, sexuality, and general aesthetics, too.

So I mentioned in my other ask I RP monsters, yeah? Monsters with big dicks. In real life, I'm a trans guy and I don't even have a dick, I'm thin and short, I have kind of cute and innocint aesthetic, and I go out of my way to be kind and caring in my everyday life.

But on the porn boards and discords where I RP, I let everyone assume I'm a tall, muscular, cis, gay man. I don't lie, they just make that assumption and I dont' correct them. Because if I did, no one would take me seriously. Some people who are into little bratty doms with big dumb subs would message me, and the rest would just ignore me. I wouldn't get a drop of attention from the monsterfuckers who are actually compatible with what I like to play as.

People don't think that that trans men can top, they don't think that skinny guys can be rough and assertive, they dont think that cute people can play convincing monsters or that people who are sweet in real life can be sadistic in an RP or BDSM scene.

Is there really a shortage of doms, or are people ignoring doms because their fashion sense or gender identity doesn't line up with the fantasy?

I feel like I'm shoved into the closet in order to be taken seriously, but how many other guys like me got shoved out of the scene entirely?

And I'm a dom myself, but I would love to sub for a muscular, hairy trans guy. There aren't any. Full stop. I've met tons of trans bottoms who are (or present themselves as) smol and twinky or soft and chubby, but not a single "bara" trans guy and not one other trans top. Which is insane. Tons of trans guys work out, body hair is practically guranteed if you're on T, and topping and domming is way fun, I know I'm not the only one. But I have to assume all the others are going stealth like I am, are switches and indulging only their bottom tendencies, or have been completely pushed out of the scene.

--

[tonydaddingham]

I love Aziraphale but I DO kind of feel like he was objectively more wrong than Crowley was, bc Aziraphale's plot for most of S2 comes straight out of Terry Pratchett books: he shuts down Crowley and focuses on setting up this storybook romance for them, while ignoring everyone else's distress. Like we see from the start of the season that Crowley is depressed and clearly upset, and it gets worse as it progresses, but Aziraphale doesn't even clock that something is wrong, even when Crowley is outright telling him. Of course this is going to create and nurture a situation where Crowley doesn't communicate. Aziraphale's not listening to him anyway. One of Terry's books features a witch who uses her magic to force fairy tale plots onto the people around her. It's the pinnacle of toxic positivity.

hi anon!!!✨ oooooh i have a feeling that this is going to be a long one, my apologies in advance!!! also, please forgive my ignorance on pratchett's works, im not deliberately ignoring it, but definitely not familiar with it enough to draw on any narrative similarities unfortunately!!!

so on the point of aziraphale not recognising that crowley is depressed, i do think that there are some indicators that if aziraphale paid more attention, he would pick up on it. that being said, i do think that the depth of crowley's not-okayness is largely masked from aziraphale, and is mostly shown only to other characters and obviously to the audience; the scene on the park bench with shax, for example, or any scenes between crowley in/around the bentley. one example that aziraphale could have picked up on:

c: "what i need is for him to be nowhere near me, and the precious, peaceful, fragile existence ive carved out for myself here..."

a: "i thought we carved it out for ourselves?"

c: "so did i!"

so, obviously crowley started in on the fact that gabriel threatened aziraphale in ep6, and quite rightly uses this as a reason to leave well enough alone, get rid of gabriel, and go back to their life as it was before. and crowley's language and delivery is absolutely indicative of how desperate he is to keep the status quo, that he's hanging on practically by a thread. shax and hell are keeping tabs on him, he's living in his car (which i'll come onto later), and he doesn't have much of a Purpose anymore than just existing.

aziraphale should be reading into this, 110%. but, crowley ends up underplaying his own struggle by talking about 'i' and 'me'. that doesn't mean its less true or valid, but to aziraphale's mind, he appears to be thinking only about how gabriel's presence would affect him. it immediately undermines how crowley first went in to trying to convince aziraphale to turn out gabriel, because it reads like crowley is revealing his true issue with the situation. we know that it's because, to crowley, aziraphale is ignoring him and his warning (which he absolutely is).

but crowley hasn't told aziraphale the full story of what happened; what gabriel said. aziraphale doesn't have the context to understand the full scope of crowley's fear and anger. i don't think knowing it would have necessarily changed the ultimate outcome/decision - i do think aziraphale is still kind and forgiving ("it's one of my favourite things!") to a fault - but it might have stopped aziraphale completely closing off and shutting down the continuance of what could have been a communicative and honest discussion. that, despite all of it, crowley is stepping away from aziraphale and planting himself on His (crowley's) Side, not Their Side.

aziraphale attempts to pull the conversation back; he tells crowley he would love for him to help, and that aziraphale is actively asking for help (which, verbally and with full intent, i don't recall aziraphale having done anywhere before this point in canon; he's intimated it, made very strong suggestions that he wants crowley to help/do something for him). this is a big show of vulnerability on aziraphale's part ("i need you!"), to literally put those words into the space between them... and crowley is silent. crowley is absolutely justified in not helping gabriel, but i think aziraphale's reaction is just as understandable.

but then moving on through to ep2, i think the next bit where aziraphale probably should have seen that crowley is Not Okay is the bentley/bookshop discussion, and crowley's reluctance to share it. from crowley's point of view, this car is literally the only tie he has left (will still get to the Sleeping In His Car debacle later) to anything permanent. this car that is literally an extension of him, comforts and shelters him, his complete Ride or Die - even to the end of the world. it is completely understandable that crowley would be jealous of it, want to keep a portion of his world for himself.

from aziraphale's point of view, as suggestive as it can be interpreted, he's opened his doors literally to crowley since at least 1941 - even earlier, if we count the 1800 scene that was cut (where, if gabriel and sandalphon hadn't turned up, i have no doubts that crowley would have been welcomed in straight away). it's definitely believable that crowley, between at least 1800 - 1827, might have been welcome in the shop... possibly even between 1827 - 1862 depending whether or not crowley spent "quite some time" in the pits of hell after edinburgh.

and this is likely to have been an exponential occurrence between 2008 - 2023, possibly even between 1967 - 2008 (depending on whether they had or had not been in continued contact follow the holy water incident). either way, again from aziraphale's perspective, the tie he has to earth and his life on it has been steadily then repeatedly shared with crowley. that's where he feels safe, and is himself, and is an extension of him. it's where they both feel like that in 2023. aziraphale has, presumably, shared that without quibble, has even been - judging by the s2 scene - something he has actively encouraged. it's definitely presumptuous, and possibly even entitled, but i think aziraphale has seen this as crowley being willing to share his life with aziraphale; why wouldn't he share the bentley? he's driven aziraphale everywhere he's wanted to go in it - doesn't crowley trust him enough to let aziraphale drive himself, for once?

ep3 sees a continuation of the above; that aziraphale changes the car, and does so without permission. whilst cute and adorable, and with the best of intentions, there is a major degree of this that is absolutely a violation on crowley, even if he logically would know that it's reversible. potentially, this is even foreshadowing of how he feels in the Final Fifteen with the angel restoration offer (im sure someone else has drawn this parallel somewhere...?).

but i do think it is absolutely a declaration from aziraphale of how wonderful he sees crowley just as he is now (his mf eyes), and how actually he doesn't want to change crowley to something better, but instead to paint the whole world in crowley's image. and its all the more powerful because a) crowley isn't there to see it, and b) he doesn't know that crowley can so viscerally detect changes made to the car.

the fact that crowley doesn't make this connection is surely a reflection of how he sees himself (see: he doesn't), and aziraphale should pick up on that... but if to aziraphale's mind crowley already knows how aziraphale feels about him through other gestures, in aziraphale's mind maybe crowley's just being coy or a bit possessive of his beloved bentley - that's fair, it's practically married behaviour! aziraphale wouldn't necessarily think to infer crowley's objections as anything different.

then we move on to ep4 (and finally talking about crowley living like a nomad), with the last scene of aziraphale helping him take out the plants to the bentley. you know - im still not 100% sure what to make of the whole situation of aziraphale not knowing that crowley is living out of his car. my main two schools of thought are that:

crowley has been spending enough time in the shop that him going out at random intervals is just normal to aziraphale - he's off doing Demon Things! he's just out on a jolly, having some time to himself! but it's okay, he always comes back! that would be possible, but we don't have any narrative to actively support this, and is practically a hc at this point. but there must be something that keeps aziraphale from digging any deeper - he is by all accounts a smart guy, and clocking that crowley has his plants in his car must get him thinking even if only for a moment... (unless he literally just chalks it up to Crowley Being Crowley, which is also feasible lbr)

the alternative thought (and not saying this is right - as i said, i literally do not have a scooby as to why aziraphale doesn't seem, on some level, to realise it) is that aziraphale does realise it, but doesn't want to face the implications of why crowley might have kept it from him, and so he buries it. i parsed this thought out more in a LWA response, full post here, but snippet screenshotted below:

i'll probably leave that bit there, but absolutely; aziraphale should be realising that something is wrong... but equally - as the king of cognitive dissonance, frankly - i don't think he wants to look deeper into something that, to him, would suggest any reason for there to be distrust between them, or a lack of openness. of course, we can see as the audience that this is a very small drop in the ocean where that's concerned, but to aziraphale - there's surely no possibility that crowley would keep something from him, not something this important.

when it comes to the Loving Gaze in ep6 (i'll come back to ep5 in a sec) that he gives when crowley admits that he's been living in his car, again - not entirely sure what to make of it. obviously it is just pure 'i utterly love/adore him', 'yes, it's you i want to be with, yes', but also maybe a measure of 'oh, you silly demon, why didn't you tell me? not that it's a problem now though, because in time we'll be together properly and you'll never have to be without a home again because your home can be with me'. he does gloss over the fact that crowley didn't tell him, and was obviously not in an okay place - but possibly in a, 'we'll talk about it later sometime, but for now - im just happy about what future we could start having from here on out. everything else is immaterial'. it's dismissive, but i also think potentially an indication that aziraphale does see, but they'll have the rest of their existence now to talk about it and heal.

anyway, back to ep5. the ball. oh lord - i honestly don't know if i have the mental acuity to even go into depth on the ball, rn. it's a Problem, and 100% on aziraphale's part. he's overcome with love, god bless him, isn't he? just so hellbent on showing crowley - it's not even about the girls, anymore, not if aziraphale really admitted it to himself - that he loves him. i think the magic spell that aziraphale creates bewitches even him, slightly - maybe not so literally, but this is a moment that has at least been decades in the making. and crowley is running around telling him there's an issue? well, they're safe in the shop (which, in a way, is absolutely true)! don't spoil this, please just hear me, hear what im trying to tell you unequivocally!

i think in aziraphale's mind, crowley tends to have a habit of overreacting (gabriel as a case in point), which is not true - but understandable when you potentially consider that aziraphale never really has all the facts. he's definitely overprotective, a point that is shown in s1 (imo, aziraphale never actively encourages the damsel-in-distress thing, but crowley just happens to show up at the slightest hint of trouble, and instead aziraphale takes this to mean that saving him, when he doesn't need saving, truly does make crowley happy). this is something crowley through his actions has encouraged - i think to assume that crowley is overreacting in this context is understandable, but yet; no, aziraphale should be listening to him. he should. and it once again feeds into the thought process that aziraphale cannot save himself - on and on it goes.

i don't think there is much to discuss in ep6 (im not going to get into the Final Fifteen - it's been analysed so much better by other people and by me too), this answer is already long enough, and i think for the most part it's fairly obvious. i do however have a dedicated FF tag in my masterpost if you do wish to peruse the various ponderings on the subject.

the only thing i guess that's really left for me to parse out is s1; aziraphale does lie to crowley. a lot. most egregious is lying about finding the antichrist but, i will say, in his defence - crowley has repeatedly asserted that they should straight-up murder a child. aziraphale drew his boundary, and crowley kept pushing, even going so far as to try tempting (and then practically demanding) that aziraphale be the one to do it. i don't think it's unjustified in that respect that aziraphale would keep that knowledge, therefore, from him - and instead turn to heaven. obviously that doesn't work out, in that respect crowley is proven right, and aziraphale immediately takes action to remedy it (calls crowley after the 9-1-metatron call).

but, it's an interesting mirror to what goes on in s2 in the theme of mutual trust and openness between them. crowley doesn't trust aziraphale not to dismiss him and run back to heaven when the going gets tough, nor does he trust him to have any sense of self-preservation (despite, yk, being a literal miracle worker and being the one to actual save their bacon in the 40s s2 minisode). but aziraphale similarly doesn't trust crowley not to try making him do something he has expressly said he will not do, and would betray a core tenet of who he is - temptation, which they both know works on aziraphale, and crowley could arguably exploit as he sees fit if aziraphale were to let him be completely vulnerable to crowley. in this respect, the foundations of their relationship, such as it is, is quite demonstrably built on sand of the quick variety.

so in essence, anon (honestly - gold star for you if you've made it to here), i don't disagree with you at all. but i think it's slightly reductive to not see that they are just as bad as each other. each have their trauma and unreconciled issues that directly inform on the action or inaction they take, and both are completely justified in that. i think it's more than possible to be empathetic to both of their perspectives, because ultimately, imo, their relationship as it was where we left it at the end of s2 was practically doomed right from where we first - in 2008 - properly join their story. im all for a huge, screaming row, and the promise of quieter, more delicate conversations thereafter, in s3; boy, do they need it!✨

[slutdge]

Heavy subject matter under the cut im just not feeling well and need to get it out of my system

i used to constantly try to convince myself that my experiences with police brutality werent that trauamatizing but im glad i got over that, cause girlypop if you were slammed down on the ground, handcuffed and screamed at to stop resisting (all this during a mental health wellness check) despite yknow. being handcuffed face down on the ground while an officer was digging her knee into my spine so hard i couldnt stand up straight for over a week afterwards was, in fact, bad for your mental health. and this was only one of many instances. dont give these dumb fucking pigs any grace.

with that being said, i dont think ive expressed enough how much you will never feel safe after experiencing police brutality or mistreatment even if its just one time, whether its in your home or in public, you will never feel safe again anywhere because you know first hand they can do whatever they want and get away with it, and its something ive really been struggling to cope with lately now that im kinda drinking less off and on. like i dont know how to function knowing that that could happen again at any time no matter where i am and i couldnt do anything to stop it because even if you dont resist they still wont give you any kind of mercy, there is nothing you can do to snap them out of their fascist power trip because thats why they became cops in the first place. i dont know how to not live in fear and despair when cops are out there especially with the added factor that my abusive parents have on multiple occassions made false 911 calls that ive said i had a plan to kill myself so that i would be arrested and taken to the psych ward every time theyve suspected ive been getting too close to escaping from them and going no contact with them like i want to, even going as far to get a court order to have me arrested. idk i just dont know what to do anymore lol theres not a single thing in my life that isnt tainted with despair idk how im even alive still. sorry for the depressing incoherent late night thoughts, i hope yall are having a good night 🫀 it sounds silly cause its just tumblr but truly this blog is the only place i feel like i can freely express myself and i appreciate everyone who has taken the time to send me kind messages, more often than not thats the only positive thing ill experience in my day

[yoonsdoll]

hi im bored and this is my professional opinion if seventeen r kitty or puppy coded and why because this is very important to me !!!!!!!!!

seungcheol : kitty coded

ok this was actually a really hard choice because he actually does have both kitty and puppy features but ultimately i decided kitty because hes so persian cat.

LOOK AT HIM POUTING.

but laura!!! he has a dog!!! YES I KNOW OKAY!! i LOVE kkuma. and as much as he wants to be a dog dad hes just a cat taking care of a dog beeeee so fr!!!!!

ok in conclusion realistically he can be both but like.. look at these photos and try spot the difference

cheol get well soon i miss u .

if u disagree then u just dont get the vision!

jeonghan : kitty coded

i have previously stated how he is a ragdoll cat. and yes, he really is.

hes so mischievous in like the best way ever, tell me a kitty wouldn't do that. U CANT!!!!

as a cat owner myself.. im just correct.

he 100% knows how to get someone to give him what he wants (treats) and he sits there all day looking fabulous and getting attention for being so cute.

also jeonghan get well soon im losing hair the longer ur gone.

anyway pls agree ive never been so confident in an answer in my life. dont ruin this

joshua : puppy coded

the more i look at shua smiling the more he reminds me of a cute puppy.

pls this man has me breaking down hes literally so cute.

i have no reason apart from the fact im so very sure he would be a puppy. and also hes an extrovert which automatically strikes me as a dog!!!

he looks like a fancy cat on a lot of pictures but dont let him gaslight u.

he told me himself hes a smiley shiba inu.

im a strong believer in puppy shua.

junhui : kitty coded

i feel like this is a very obvious answer but still

0% puppy in him. its all a very feral cat.

when i look at jun i think of a british shorthair kitty. a baby one in specific.

especially because hes playful as hell but also has his moments when he just prefers to be quiet and listen to the others.

he alternatively could just be a white and black cat.. it did occur to me while making this. however i still feel like a british shorthair is more suitable.

jun is so cat coded and even he knows it!

hoshi : kitty coded ?????

okay see my issue is that yes.. tigers are in the cat family. but do u not also ever look at hoshi playing around w the members and think that he could be a puppy if he wasnt so obsessed w tigers..

anyhow, he is kitty coded for the most part I GUESS.

sometimes he really does remind me of a hamster more than anything though, but again this isnt the point of this post.

ill give him this win and say he is a toyger cat.

HE LITERALLY LOOKS SO HAMSTER IN THE FIRST PIC ITS BUGGING ME.

look at him tryna convince everyone in that 2nd pic.. ok wtv he convinced me

wonwoo : kitty coded

so very calm, knows what his boundaries are, likes playing around once in a while.

wonwoo is THE black cat. one of those that are really well taken care of with short yet super soft fur.

same as jun.. u will never find any puppy energy in this man.

he has a dog too, but hes the most cat coded person u will ever see. this is why my cheol point was also correct.

im giggling those photos r so perfect. 3 wonwoos ^^^^^^

bye u legit cant even argue with this one if u wanted to

woozi : kitty coded

SHUT UP U KNOW IM RIGHTTTT!!

WOOZI IS SO KITTY I DONT CARE. I DONT EVEN HAVE TO EXPLAIN.

just as i know wonus a black cat, i know ujis a white cat.

hes so elegant yet so fun and so cute pls someone tie me down

the fact i already knew what photos im gonna use says enough.

i would also like to say that hes also very bear coded. like if hes not a cat hes a bear.

dokyeom : puppy coded

everyone cheered!!!!

dk has always been very puppy to me, even in interviews where hes speaking to people he doesnt know (which makes it difficult for him (and hoshi)), hes ALWAYS trying his best.

hes so cute!??!?!?! like, im really not good with dog breeds AT ALL, but he clearly is a pomeranian.

is he a grown 5'10 man? yes. is he also a very cute puppy breed? also yes. why? it just makes so much sense.

the 2 glasses photos were a coincidence but they somehow make him look even more puppy coded.

him in curly hair.. dude it doesnt get any better than that!!!

mingyu : puppy coded

DUH!!!! hes the puppiest out of all puppy in seventeen

surprisingly, i always see everyone call him a golden retriever which, personality wise I SO AGREE!!! but something itches my brain when hes compared to a husky. IT MAKES SM MORE SENSE NO??

i lied btw ive never seen anyone compare him to a husky this is me trying to drop my opinion without getting dragged.

theres not much else to say apart from that his emoji rep is litch a puppy so u cant deny it!

no matter what breed u wanna compare him to, itll still always be a dog

i truly wish i could see him as a cat but its just not right!

minghao : kitty coded

kitty coded through and through!!!!

i dont think i cld ever compare hao to a puppy?? his vibes r so cat.

SIAMESE CAT** let me say. dont u agree!!

hes so sassy and i feel like that rlly influences my opinion but also when have u ever looked at minghao and thought he was puppy coded. literally NEVER. i cant name u one time.

give him blue contacts and hes that cat in the middle (pls dont)

i rest my case thank yew!

seungkwan : BOTH?!

seungkwans a really difficult one for me. because he quite literally is both.

he has moments when hes so puppy coded then the next second hes the most kitty coded man ever.

same in selcas.. i cant even decide thru them!!!

if i really had to pick, id lean towards a cat, but again.. its too hard to decide.

therefore, he would be an orange kitty or a samoyed dog! :3

im sorry for cheating my way out of this one but i srsly cant decide.

vernon : kitty coded

chillest cat ever trust me.

vernon said himself he really likes cats and that made this even easier than it was before cause it just makes sm sense!

im aware vernon likes dogs too but him liking cats is so ?? vernon ??????

i always go back to that photo of him holding the baby kitty. hes such a cat person. literally look up vernon being a cat person on twt and theres a whole thread proving it!

this is why vernon is a siberian cat! he looks like it sm and he is chill like that ong

vernon and kitties give me life

dino : puppy coded

surprisingly i originally wanted to say kitty coded but after a think abt it.. hes clearly puppy coded

a very loved puppy by his 12 older brothers lolol

he always loves the attention and enjoys smiling and making others laugh a lot too..

do u guys remember that puppy interview? yeah.

his light brown hair was the prime border collie days!

i found that middle photo and immediately thought dino.

ok i originally didnt even mean to assign them all to breeds or wtv but it just happened... thank u for reading this is what happens when i get too bored!!! anyway i think i did pretty well so!

[captain-mj]

Black Coffee

Poll at the end

Soap gave Ghost a cup of black coffee from the cafeteria. It didn’t look that good, but he’d drink it. 

Ghost shifted and Soap settled into his side. “Hate hospitals.”

“They’re not my favorite either.” 

Ghost grabbed his hand and gently rubbed circles into it. The nurse told them a while ago that Jason was sleeping off drugs from surgery. He was doing fine, as fine as one could with a gunshot at least, but he was breathing. 

“Can’t believe this all started because I had a crush on my barista. He was the one that dragged me into the coffeeshop.” Ghost stroked his inner wrist, tracing his veins. 

Soap hesitated. “Your friends seem really concerned about something. I want to know what they’re worrying about.” 

Ghost sighed. “My little… incident.” 

He didn’t want to talk about this. 

He had to though. Didn’t he? He had been avoiding it for weeks. 

“Tried to kill myself.” 

Soap flinched. Those pretty blue eyes went wide. 

“It’s complicated. I got high on some underground stuff. Specifically for dragons. Works a bit like weed I’m told but that’s not how it went for me. Then I was in my bathroom and it didn’t seem like a bad idea.

Then a few days passed. Knew I was sober. And I still wanted to. So I did. Price found me. Said he had never seen someone so pale.”

“Bad trip?”

“No. Good trip. Just made me realize how fucking miserable I was. I thought of my life. Where I was. How many people I buried. And part of me gave up. Stayed down. I’ve pushed forward my whole life, but suddenly I just couldn’t.” Ghost drank the coffee. “You’re sweet, Soap. Really are. But you’ve seen the scars. I’m sure you can piece together some awful things happened to me. Then I came home and more awful things happened.”

“When I said those things…” 

Ghost laughed. “Jesus, Johnny. I got upset. Made some questionable decisions. But I didn’t plan on bleeding myself dry any time soon. It’s been hard convincing all of them of this.” 

Soap nodded. “I can imagine.” His fingers were warm as they pressed against his wrist. For a moment, Ghost though he was feeling for scarring before those fingertips settled right on his pulse. 

“I’m alive, Johnny. And I’m right here.” Simon softened. 

Soap shook his head. “I’m sorry. I-”

Ghost yanked his wrist away. “No. None of that. I don’t want apologies from you. I wish everyone would just move on. I keep giving people time and they just don’t move on.” 

Soap nodded and looked down at his hands. 

They sat in silence for a long while before a nurse let them know that Jason had woken back up. 

Ghost stalked forward quickly, the world finally started to feel right again. 

Jason smiled and sat up. “Did it work?”

Ghost stepped to the side to show him Soap. Jason immediately brightened. 

“Nice to formally meet you, Soap.” He grinned. Dumb and toothy. Just like his best friend. 

“Jason. Very nice to finally get to know you.” Soap grabbed a chair. 

The two got on like a house on fire. Both of them had a lot in common. 

Ghost felt himself falling into his normal silence, watching the two of them. Jason looked pale, but definitely alive. There was an IV pumping who knows what into his body and he noticed Jason hitting the morphine button every three minutes. One minute longer than the minimum. Smart. He did have an addicting personality. Better to try to wait as long as he could with the pain management. If he got addicted, Ghost would have to watch him. Make sure he stayed alive and not overdosing. 

Jason hummed. “Simon. You’re doing it again.”

“Hmm?”

“Thinking super hard. You tend to go in spirals.” Jason smiled before looking at Soap. “If you see him scrunching up his mouth and looking distant, that’s why. Dangerous to let his thoughts wander.”

“So I’ve heard.” 

Soap was getting all types of intel on Ghost. It made him nervous. He hoped no one else gave him any more information. 

The universe was against him. He knew that once any of the other guys got around Soap, they would spill everything. It used to scare him. Being known. 

But it felt okay, right now.

Jason told Soap a few stories from their childhood, mostly talking about Simon’s partying days. It felt like when he was a teen and his mom told his crushes stories about when he was a baby. 

He realized after a minute that’s exactly what it was. Jason was doing it on purpose. The bastard. 

The nurse kicked them out eventually and Soap held Ghost’s hand as they walked. They fell in step with each other and Soap kissed his hand a few times. 

“Wayne.”

“What about him?”

“What do we plan on doing with him?” Ghost asked. “If you wanted, we could get him out of jail. Thought maybe you’d want face to face confrontation. Or I could snipe him for you.”

“I’ll think about it.”

Taglist: @the-snarky-dragon @elevencloudsofnine-blog @lukewarm-chickensoup @nervouspsychologynerd @korym @cthulhusstepmom @princess-heathen @revenge-of-the-bucket-demon @roachboy @shadowsnowberry @crazies-unanimous @shiftylookingcrow @joltom @xenomorphee3 @thedeepvoidinmyheart

[1d1195]

I LITERALLY SPENT ALL DAY READING HONEY DURING ALL MY FREE TIME AND UGHHHH☹️🫶🫶🫶🫶 THEYRE SOOOOO CUTE my goodness when he went down in the towel, PLS SHES SO MUCH STRONGER THAN ME I WOULDVE FOLDED FASTER THAN A LAWN CHAIR✋

I WAS SO SCARED THEY WERE GOING TO TAKE BABY CECE🥺 but MC was too smart for them so ofc not. THE HALLUCINATING ??? AND HIM BEING THE REASON SHE GOT OUT ???😭😭😭 GOSH i can imagine her telling him that after some time and he just…. bawls. because that is SO precious. AND HOW SHE KNEW IN SOME WAY THAT HE WAS CLOSE BY UGHHHH

IM PRETTY SURE I GOT THAT PAPER KITES SONG RECOMMENDED TO ME ON APPLE MUSIC BECAUSE OF PAINT AND HOW MUCH IVE LISTENED TO IT SINCE U SENT IT SO I KNEW I HAD TO SHARE, SO GLAD YOU LIKED IT <3333

(i know EXACTLYYYY what you mean. like, i can love a song and listen to it all the time but the second i hear something too much on the radio its just…no. HAHAHA. ALSOOOO THERE IS DEF SOMETHING ABT HIS SONG LET IT GO BECAUSE I WENT THROUGH THE SAME THING)

honestly i don’t even know, everyone is probably so done with me and my bs. i don’t want to sound ungrateful because things are so awesome but i just have NOT been feeling myself here at all. i don’t want to go out anywhere or see anybody, im so done with being perceived😭 the people we know are just wayyy to judgy, talking to them is literally draining. i’m always soooo tired, for some reason my hormones are different here and i went through the. ABSOLUTE. WORST. PMS-ING. LIKE… TERRIBLE. and things with my dad are :/// (when are they not though pfftt) i feel like my days are the same?? the only thing that changes are my outfits but i have this weird feeling like my life is on pause when it should be the opposite. i’m feeling veryyyy nostalgic for fall-winter last year.

i LOVE enjoying the little things, it really does make your day-to-day life just a little better. shifting your closet is soooo cool girl, i feel like you just get to enjoy the different times of year more wholly, you know ? COFFEE HERE IS TERRIBLE IM SO JEALOUS I MISS MY DAILY ICED COFFEE😭😭 and gilmore girls is ALWAYS right🫶 i hope you find time to read soon, other than a fanfic here and there i haven’t been reading either, i brought a bunch of books with me that are literally just sitting on a shelf. BUT I 100% GET WHAT YOU MEAN ABOUT READING A CERTAIN PART OF A BOOK JUST TO FEEL SOMETHING, i am unfortunately VERY guilty of this😞🫣 wishing you and your book boyfriends a very happily ever after 😉 AHH NOT A WEDDING😭😭😭 HAHAHA i do hope you end up having a ton of fun tho. and is it just me, or is there always a certain, something in the air when it reaches this time of year?? just a different kind of craziness than the rest of the year.

you are an absolute sweetheart and I WANTED TO TELL YOU, MY SISTER ABSOLUTELY ADORED LOVE & OTHER WORDS. LIKE, SHE WAS OBSESSED WITH IT. and i was all “omg yeahhh a friend recommended it to me☺️😌” BECAUSE WE AREEE FRIENDS !!!

i think the ranting got a lil out of hand so i’m sorry about that but THANK YOU FOR BEING SO AWESOME AND FUN TO TALK TO, IM SENDING YOU ALLLLL THE LOVE, MWAHHHHH

~🎶

Ma'am you give me some of the best ideas for check-ins. MAKING HARRY BAWL HIS EYES OUT IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE PAST TIMES. She's way stronger than me, I would have pulled that towel clean off and had a different kind of breakfast.

Idk how many hours it's been but I haven't moved on from this Paper Kites song, I'll check back in when I move onto Gregory and James.

Things can be going well and you can still feel out of sorts. I really struggle with going out and being social. I have a pretty small social battery. Also dads are the worst more often than not. I'm convinced. My bf was telling my best friend some stories about some of my rage fits I've had in the past (they still happen but they're not as bad as of late) and I'll tell you exactly what (WHO) the common denominator was in each story. Are you still out of the country at this point? Will you be coming back home soon(ish)? I honestly feel like you're homesick, maybe? Being on pause is difficult. It adds to the drained feeling. Hopefully something changes so you can get back into the swing of things and start feeling less stuck 💕

My sister did a semester abroad in europe and I know europe specifically is weird about ice. Or maybe I'm just INSANE (obvi) because I love ice so much. I want my drink cold. I probs use more ice than liquid but I don't even care. ANYWAY. Upon reading more of your message, I kind of feel like you're going through iced coffee withdrawals and if you had one all your emotions would be cured (I hope you're reading this sarcastically because of course I'm joking because I know it's more than that, but I'm hoping you know what I mean). I'm almost certain coffee fixes everything.

Me and my book bfs will def live happily ever after. The -ber months are so busy. It's insane. There's def something in the air.

I LOVE THAT SHE LOVED IT AND OF COURSE WE'RE FRIENDS 💕 I sincerely think it's one of the best books I've ever read. I had an idea to write about Harry based off it. Maybe one day. It's lost to the drafts along with a 100 other things I want to write 😭

This is a ranting blog and there's no such thing as out of hand. I'm so happy to hear from you. I was missing you so much 💕

xoxo

[gurokichi]

Hehe, no need to apologize for getting excited! I love being your Doll and am so happy to see how excited you got when I called you my bon <3

All of the inverts take care of themselves most of the time, other than making sure they have enough food and water; And we've almost always had cats and dogs so it would be more of a chore to not take care of them! The chickens are the ones that feel out of the way in my daily life, but they are great, so I don't mind!

Most people think the feeling of someone watching them is unsettling; but when I know it's just you, it's so nice and cozy!

Bon really knows how to fluster it's Doll (⁄ ⁄>⁄ ⁄ ⁄ ⁄<⁄ ⁄)

You enjoy such a variety of games! Doll also love loves pixel art, so pretty! I've always been interested in Stardew Valley because of the graphics, I'm honestly happy I haven't gotten it already after hearing about Fields of Mistria!!! It looks so pretty! Doll wouldn't be able to keep up playing so many different games at once, how does Bon do it!!! That issue with steam sounds so annoying,,, I used to share a Spotify account with a friend and it'd do the same!!! Ooo, I've watched see my brothers play red dead redemption 2 before, usually I don't like games like that but I've actually been quite interested in it, I may give red dead 2 a try one day! Doll would probably accidentally abuse their horse too, Doll doesn't game much so wouldn't be used to the controls (╥﹏╥)

Recently ive played Minecraft, Sims 4, fallguys, and a few games on roblox if I play with friends,,, but I also a few on my list to play once I get a computer, which should hopefully be soon ^^ league of legends, stardew valley, and now Fields of Mistria, sweet pool, slow damage, and I'm sure I'm forgetting some-

Sorry this response has taken so so long!!! Doll keeps on getting busy, I hate it I just wanna spend time with My Bon~

-Your Dolly 🎀💕

You really love being my doll? Yay!!◝(ᵔᗜᵔ)◜ I'm glad that I can make you happy, my doll deserves to be.

Ah, that's really cool!! How come you keep so many different animals? I wish I could have a pet, but the others who live here are very against having anything besides people living in the house. I once got close to convincing them to let me keep rats, though. Did not happen in the end </3

Stardew Valley is definitely worth a try, even if you get Fields of Mistria. It has a lot more content, and if you get it on PC, there are tons of mods that you can use to add even more content and make it look the way you want it to! As for me playing so many games, I have a lot of free time on my hands. I don't have much else to do... most of my time is just spent waiting for someone to come talk to me. Everyone else is busy with their own things, so I gotta kill time somehow while waiting for them. I find RDR2 interesting so far; it's definitely not something I'd usually play either. Someone I know seems to really like it, and I also used to watch my brothers play, so I decided to finally pick it up. Ehehe, I'm sure you'd get the hang of it eventually!! The controls are pretty confusing, though..

Ah, I've played all of those before! What do you enjoy doing in Minecraft and the Sims? What games do you like playing on Roblox? I hope that you're able to get a computer soon to play all the games that you want to play!! I've heard of LoL but never played it myself. You'll have to let me know if it's fun. I only know of Slow Damage after looking through your blog, but not what it's about. I've never heard of Sweet Pool. What are those two games?

That's totally okay, Dolly. No need to apologize; I understand you might be busy, and I don't mind waiting. It's not like I'm going anywhere, so take all the time you need to reply!! (≧◡≦) ♡

[restinpeacesensei]

[this is a personal post. if you would like to talk about your own experience, please make your own post instead of replying to this one. thank you! i'd also prefer not to be analyzed or given advice, but, validation is welcome ;;]

this fandom WAS my youth... and akoya was the love of my youth....

when people talk about the wild things they did in their teens and 20s, the highs and lows, i relate to it, even though i never did any of it (and was never interested in any of it) "in reality".... the internet was how i found connection and felt like i was really living

the emotional high of reading responses to my personal art and feeling loved for the first time... the crushing lows of sharing something deeply personal to be met with silence or comments that felt violating, that felt like a kind of heartbreak over and over (although i fully understand i was never owed a response and that was the risk i took)... the nights and months i spent crying and didn't know how to make it stop, it felt like it wouldn't stop... and yet when the love came, it was a love i never knew in any other way and kept me chasing the highs over and over...

i want to talk, sometimes, about how it was hard for me... it was very hard and yet, i was choosing this. and it was a privilege i was able to do it, that i had the free time to devote my life to a fictional character (and it still is). i know that. and im grateful that ive been able to do what i wanted. im more grateful than anything else. but it was also very difficult because this was my only way of living in the world, to throw my deepest feelings out in front of strangers.

the walk-of-shame feeling every time i posted something slightly suggestive and came back to check the responses the next day, the feeling of being raw and exposed and all the eyes on me as i went through everything in front of everybody, feeling everyone looking and everyone laughing and being able to imagine too well what they'd say, the sense of being watched at all times that made me ill and yet i had to, i had to share because in some way it made me feel alive, like i was living the experiences i drew... it made me feel like i was living in the world...

i used to stay up very late, making my art (ive said this before but i was doing it full-time, often working 8-12 hours at a time).. then in the daytime i'd find out the response and fall asleep in the sun... i feel nostalgic for those afternoons now, sleeping in the sun... i don't miss the schedule, im much healthier now... but those moments when my feelings were heard and returned and all the hours i put into making something were worthwhile, and i'd crawl into the sunlit bed and fall asleep in relief, are dear to my heart now.

i would check messages and then go lie in bed by the window and reread them over and over... my bed was by a window then, and the sun would come in warm, and the relief of feeling seen and heard would wash over me and i would fall asleep, just thinking about the messages... reliving them in my head over and over...

...the feelings i had for akoya, i never felt for a real person, and it couldn't really work with a real person, because it only worked if he could be whatever i wanted, because i expressed myself through him and wanted to be with him at the same time... but what i felt was real... by drawing him, i felt like i was close to him... and also like i was able to exist in the world myself...

i couldn't say how i felt or even recognize it for nearly seven years, because i was afraid people would say things that made me uncomfortable, afraid of being teased, afraid people would push it too far, and it felt like the only way to avoid that was to not have the feelings, so i couldn't... i projected on him so much that i could almost convince myself that was all i wanted. i was afraid, also, that if i said it, i'd be separated from him... because i couldn't be him and want to be with him at the same time... but ultimately i had to accept it because i couldn't hold it back anymore...

...i hated myself so much, in the beginning, for loving him. for pouring all my energy into him, when i thought he would be mean to me, and probably hurt me... when i was supposed to be doing other things, "important" things, things that mattered in the "real" world, but never made me feel as alive as this. i kept trying to get away, desperately trying to get all my thoughts and feelings out so they would leave me alone and my life would go back to what i thought it was supposed to be... i felt like i had no control over it, this was all i wanted anymore. it felt like falling, it felt like weakness, it felt like shame.

but we became something else, didn't we? we made each other something different from how we started.

and if you asked me... if he asked me to, would i still go to his side... i still will feel my heart pulling me back, i still would want to be with him

i still will think about him, but i won't say it, if you ask me was i ever in love .......

[joelscruff]

hi cat❤️ advice anon here. thanks for being lovely and for being willing to listen ❤️

i’m turning twenty and ive never dated anyone. a lot of us didn’t start early, but more of my friends are getting into relationships. it usually doesn’t bother me. i have great friends and goals, and im happy for my friends who’ve found someone. im usually not even interested with the guys around me because i like older guys. it feels shallow to mention looks but this has affected how i view myself. ive had girls who are kind enough to say im pretty, but i know i don’t fit into the type the guys around me like, which i usually don’t care about.

with all of that, i know there’s no good reason for me to feel this way but i sometimes feel super unattractive, like no guy could like me. ive had friends mention they can’t picture me dating. i think it’s because i come off as independent, but it hurts me. i feel like they think im undesirable, which makes me feel shitty. whenever i talk with my friends about guys i wonder if they think im inferior because i haven’t had the same experiences. ive had friends tell me they’re excited for when i start dating. they say it because they want to gossip with me, but it’s embarrassing. i feel like they think im less than, or falling behind, or undateable.

rationally i know they probably don’t think that way, and it’s all just insecurity projection. is it normal to feel like this? do people actually think that way about me? tldr im bitchless and i feel like everyone thinks im lame because of it 💀 thanks so much for letting me ramble about this 🥺

hi lovely, sorry for waiting til the weekend to respond to this - life is kicking my butt right now and i haven't really had much mental energy lately. but today is chill and i'm ready to reply 💕

first of all i just wanna say something which i'm sure you've been told before (and probably hate hearing by now but shhh lemme cook) which is that you're so young. girl you are turning TWENTY!!!! and i mean that in a good way!!! respectfully you are so so young and you are JUST getting started.

full transparency - i didn't have my first real relationship til my mid twenties. and i felt exactly how you're feeling right now, like i was extremely behind and like i was being silently judged for not having had any of those experiences yet and that it seemed like everyone i knew had already experienced them. i also have a lot of issues with self esteem and self love and while i completely understand that having a relationship would feel validating and boost your self confidence, you are so much more than your experiences - or lack thereof.

you are not undateable. trust me. and i myself am guilty of falling back into that mindset. what's important is being patient with yourself, being kind and loving and understanding. picture yourself as one of your friends, imagine one of them coming to you with these exact issues and try to think of what you'd say to them. would you be kind and supportive? of course you would (i hope so at least!!) and that's why we need to extend that kindness to ourselves, as difficult as it sometimes might be.

on the topic of your friends, i know you say they don't mean any harm by the things they tell you, but if it's hurting you/making you self conscious, i'd recommend telling them that it makes you feel that way. honestly i'd recommend having a real open conversation with your friends about how you've been feeling about everything. i'm positive that they don't think you're undateable or less than - it's so easy to project our own feelings onto other people and convince ourselves that everyone is also thinking these same thoughts about us, but most of the time it's simply not true. and if it is true, those aren't your real friends.

basically honey, at the end of the day you just need to try and be patient with yourself. you're so young and you have so much life ahead of you to have these experiences. they can happen at any age, and they will happen for you. be kind to yourself and remember that your worth has nothing to do with anyone else but you.

[stonerskinny]

i’m gonna be so real w y’all rn. i feel such a crushing guilt for still being so suicidal when i know it hurts my friends.

i wish more than anything that their words would get through to me. and sometimes they do — sometimes i see how my absence would impact them. sometimes people cry about it, and i sit there acutely aware that that pain is my fault. that if i were only stronger, or quieter, or just somehow a better person or friend in any way they might not be feeling like that. i feel awful knowing ive ever caused anyone hurt because of my suicidality. no one deserves to go through what i end up putting people through, regardless of it being unintentional. i’m a lot. i’m sick in the head, and i’m sad, and i wish i was dead. and i’m not quiet about it. i’m not polite about it. i’m crass and harsh and close minded about whether or not things will ever get better.

point is, i feel terrible for feeling this way. but then i just feel worse, and the suicidal thoughts get louder…it’s a stupid cycle. and i don’t believe ill get out of it alive, so the chance that i will is even slimmer than it normally would be.

i guess now that i have a date again, im just reflecting on this all knowing things might be coming to a close soon. i don’t know if i can be talked out of it this time, and i dont think ill back out. im out of money, basically. i finally backed myself into that corner i planned to back myself into a year ago. i’m completely convinced everyone in my life will move on with ease. i hesitate to even post this because i don’t want my friends to worry (more than they probably already do) but im addicted to posting into the void, so. i’m sorry.

i know people are going to be disappointed in me for this. i wish my outlook was different, i really do. i gave up on myself a long time ago, though. and it’s just been too long now to undo that.